Happy First Birthday, Sweet Baby Girl

My sweet Hannah Joy,

One year ago today, at exactly 9:38 in the morning, you arrived into this world. You cried right away with a precious cry that sounded just like a baby lamb.

Little did we know that would be the last time we would hear your sweet voice. Your whole life you had a breathing tube in, therefore you were not able to make a sound, but you certainly made your feelings known! You still could cry, with tears streaming down and the saddest little pouty lips. There were times that you flashed sweet smiles at me - or moved your mouth as if you were trying to do "baby talk". These memories we will cherish for a lifetime.

Although one year ago today was one of the greatest days of my life, I have been dreading your birthday since the day you passed away. How do we celebrate without you here? It does not seem possible. We are having a party in your honor this Saturday. You are precious to so many... and we know you will be celebrating in heaven. We want to celebrate your beautiful life... you are so loved, baby girl. So loved. My life is better because of you... one year ago today, God gave Daddy, Mama, and Micah one of the most beautiful gifts ever - YOU.

Mama's friend Sarah wrote some beautiful words to us, sent with a gift she made for us in your memory. I thought what better day to write it here than the day of your birth - when we are missing you even more. She wrote this as if it was your message to us... it made both your daddy and I weep. We could not have written it better - it was almost as if she knew you, sweet girl.

If She Could Tell You

If she could tell you, she would say she loves you and knows she is loved.
She would say how she loved holding your hand and feeling your warm loving touch.
She would say she was never more content and happy than in your arms.
She would say that she blew bubbles especially for her older brother to make him happy.
She would say how much she cherished the special story time with Daddy.

If she could tell you, she would say how much she loved
the gifts and stuffed animals everyone gave her.
She would say how sweet your kisses were on her forehead
She would say how she couldn't wait to see you and hear your voice and hold your hand.
She would say how you made everything bearable

If she could tell you, she would say that she felt great love as God lifted her up.
She would tell you that she is full of joy and peace, perfected in His presence.
If she could tell you, she would say that she is still holding your hand.
If she could tell you, she would say you will see her again soon.
If she could tell you, she would say God holds you with His hand
and has promised to be your comfort and strength forever.

We love you so much, our precious Hannah Joy... happy first birthday...

Letter from Danielle and Lily

Dear Hannah,

We never met. In fact, I've never even met your family in person. But I know your sweet story because I know your mother online. See, I am also the mother of a miracle baby, a precious little girl fighting some big deal things. Her name is Lily. She was born four months before you were. She's spent months and months in the hospital, first in the NICU and then in the PICU. I think you know this already, because I think you two might be friends.

Lily doesn't speak, and she has only learned a little sign language. She's deaf... and I think it's because she can talk to angels. I see her in deep thought and think she's speaking over precious things with her angel friends, with you, Hannah, and other friends she has. She seems happy most of the time and never alone.

There is a song called Angel Lullaby from an LDS movie called My Turn On Earth. It's lyrics go like this:

You came from a land where all is light
to a world half day and a world half night.
To guide you by day, you have my love,
To guard you by night, your friends above.
(Chorus)
So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,
guarded by your angel friends.
So sleep, sleep, till the darkness ends,
guarded by your angel friends.

There's one stands softly by your bed
and another sits close with a hand on your head.
There's one at the window watching for the dawn,
and one waits to wake you when the night is gone.

We sing this to her some nights, even though she can't hear us. And one night, I realized... Lily has angel friends. You're there with her, you, and Bella, and Cora... and so many more.

We never knew you, but we love you. We are glad for the time you were here and sad that we didn't have the chance to meet you. You are loved here, and we will be celebrating the birthday of our angel friend for you later this month.

~ Danielle and Lily (click here to view Lily's facebook page)

September

Baby girl, this is a tough time of year for us as it is the month in which you were born. It caught me off guard how painful it is - we miss you so very much. I will write you a special letter on your actual birthday...but I wanted to write something now, too.

A year ago at this time we were all eagerly awaiting your arrival. Grandma O. from Montana was getting ready to come stay with us for a while to help out. In those final two weeks before your birth, we were putting the finishing touches on your beautiful nursery.

Two tones of pink divided with an orange strip, a beautiful hummingbird bedding set - and hummingbird pictures on the wall.

We had your clothes folded and set up on the shelves, receiving blankets folded, placed in baskets, and newborn diapers stacked and ready to use.

We were ready for our princess to arrive. It saddens us so deeply that you were never able to come home to us... to your room that we prepared for you. We did our best to take your things to you, though. Whether it was taking you your favorite bright pink soft blanket (the one that matched your crib bedding set)

or your soft little leg warmers that you wore in style... it was too precious for words.

The month of September this year does not bring the same excitement. We find ourselves heartbroken at the thought of your birthday coming up soon - and you won't be here to celebrate. Mama's heart hurts. We will still be having a party for you here, celebrating the beautiful life you lived. You went through more pain and suffering in your 4 months on this earth than most of us will ever go through in our entire lifetime. I am so grateful to be your Mama... and eternally blessed to have carried you inside of me for 9 months. We thank God every day for the 4 months you were able to live on this earth. I leave you with a portion of one of my favorite songs, sweet baby girl - it's called "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but i`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you